How I quit letting my kids kill my marriage

A few nights back, my husband and I were flipping through photo albums of the "good old days." We stayed up way too late, reminiscing about all the fun trips, late nights and impulsive craziness of our college years. However, it wasn't long before the pictures of two crazy-in-love newlyweds gave way to baby photos. That's also when the conversation took a turn.
"Why don't we have any fun anymore?"
"When was the last time we did something impulsive?"
"Forget impulsive, when was the last time we laughed?"
These are questions we don't have answers for. After three kids in five years, youthful exuberance gave way to zombie-like exhaustion, especially after welcoming our third baby this summer. We both concluded that we're too tired, stretched too thin and too consumed with little kids to have any fun.
But that's a lame excuse. Yes, kids make it harder to keep romance alive, but they aren't a perpetual excuse to quit trying. I chose my husband before I had the kids, he is the reason I have the kids, and if I get my act together, he'll be around long after the kids are grown and gone.
I've thought a lot about that last part — how to "get it together" for the sake of my marriage. The best gift my husband and I can give our children is to have a solid relationship, and I know we'll both be happier for it as well. So, why is it so hard to commit to working on our marriage? The obvious answer is that we don't have any time. We're going to have to make do with what little time and resources we have, relying on quality over quantity. Here are a few ideas we've come up with.
Date night after bedtime
Who says you have to leave the house to date your spouse? Babysitters are expensive, and our time is seriously limited. We've opted instead to dedicate Wednesday nights for an at-home date. Whether it's making dessert together or cuddling up to a movie, it's the one night each week where we can quit being parents and have fun together for a few hours.
Commit to physical intimacy
You can't ignore the physical side of marriage and expect to have a lasting relationship. I understand that kids can kill the mood, but physical intimacy can mean a lot of different things, so get creative. Whatever you choose to do, make it consistent.
Express your appreciation
Turns out, being an adult isn't nearly as fun as we thought. Paying bills, cleaning house and preparing food takes an inordinate amount of time each day, so thank your spouse for his or her contributions. At the end of the day, we all want to feel appreciated for the hard work we do maintaining our family.
Say "I love you."
So simple, it almost sounds silly, but those three little words go a long way. Say "I love you" until you feel like you can't say it anymore. Say it first thing when you wake up, every time one of you leaves and make it the last thing you say before falling asleep. Say it even if you don't currently feel it. Actions follow thought.
In the deep recesses of my sleep-deprived mind, I understand that this season of raising young children will end. In the not-so-distant future, all three of our boys will leave, and we'll be left all alone. I stop and wonder sometimes what my marriage will look like then. Much of my future relationship depends on the effort I put forth now. I don't want to wake up in 20 years, married to a stranger.
As a young mom, I may not have a ton of time, money or energy, but I can choose how to allot what little I have. Right now, I'm choosing to spend a little more of myself on my husband. It's one of the few investments that I know will pay off in the future.

10 ways you are being unfaithful to your spouse — and you don't even know it

Having an affair is not even on your radar. Never gonna happen. You love your spouse and you'd never be unfaithful to her or him. However, you may be unaware of other ways you are being unfaithful. If these actions continue, you may find yourself on the slippery slope that leads to that never-intended affair and a sorrow you never wanted in your life.

Unfaithfulness usually creeps in through the back door, disguising itself as harmless fun or innocent behavior. If you want your marriage to endure and be filled with happiness you may need to check this list to see if you have fallen prey to any of these unfaithful behaviors.

1. Flirting

Having a little playful fun at the office with a co-worker can't be too bad, you may rationalize. After all, flirting is fun. Avoid it like the plague. It's dangerous. If someone flirts with you, ignore it. What falls into the category of flirting? Here's one explanation of what flirting is. "[It] usually involves speaking and behaving in a way that suggests a mildly greater intimacy than the actual relationship between the parties would justify, though within the rules of social etiquette, which generally disapproves of a direct expression of sexual interest. This may be accomplished by communicating a sense of playfulness or irony... Body language can include flicking the hair, eye contact, brief touching, etc."
Married people should never engage in this type of behavior with anyone other than their spouse. It is a full-on form of unfaithfulness that leads to no good. The one you're flirting with may take it as an invitation and pursue a relationship you never intended.

2. Confiding in the opposite gender

When you pour out your troubles to someone of the opposite gender you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position. It may seem harmless. After all, you just needed a shoulder to cry on. If you've got a problem, talk about it with your spouse. That's your best-ever shoulder to cry on. If that's not working for you, try a trusted relative, clergyman, or therapist. Not someone who may consider this an invitation for intimacy. Even if it doesn't start that way, too often it ends that way. It's a form of unfaithfulness.

3. Spending time alone with someone else

What appears to be an innocent lunch out with someone of the opposite sex or stopping by for a chat at that someone's home without your spouse is definitely in the category of unfaithful behavior. You or the other person may say, "Hey, we're both adults. Nothing's going to happen." Well, things do happen. It's not appropriate. Go home and spend that time with your spouse.

4. Talking negatively about your mate

When you are a true friend to someone you never say bad things about them to others. Your mate is your best friend and is the last person you should ever talk about negatively. If you have a beef with your honey, talk it out with him or her. Let your conversations with others focus on the good things about your spouse. That's being faithful. The exception here is abuse. If abuse is happening it needs to be reported to a trusted friend, counselor, and the police. You must keep yourself safe.

5. Chatting on the Internet with someone of the opposite sex

If you think this is harmless, think again. It may start out that way, but it definitely won't end that way. Some have engaged in what they considered innocent talk with a former boyfriend or girlfriend from high school or college days, or even a stranger. One thing can lead to another and before you know it, your marriage is in jeopardy. Don't do it. It will only end in sorrow and heartbreak for your family.

6. Dressing to attract the attention of someone other than your spouse

If you're dressing up to look good for someone else, you need to reexamine your motives. Trying to attract someone else by wearing a sexy looking outfit is one more way to jump into unfaithful waters.

7. Writing personal intimate notes or letters to someone else

If you're writing a letter of condolence or congratulations, or other good wishes, let it be from both you and your spouse. Then there will be no misunderstanding about your intentions.

8. Not being a willing sexual partner with your spouse

Being faithful to your spouse means giving yourself over to him or her to enjoy the intimate side of your marriage. To withhold sexual intimacy from your spouse if not doing your part in keeping your marriage strong and fulfilling. It creates sorrow and even suspicion. Being a faithful spouse means doing your part to make it a beautiful relationship in all aspects.

9. Putting your parents before your spouse

Your spouse must always be the number one person in your life. If something wonderful happens to you, like a promotion, a confirmation of a pregnancy, or any other good news, you may be tempted to immediately call a parent to share in the joy. Resist. Let your spouse be the first to know your good news. Then share it with others.

10. Putting your children before your spouse

Kids matter. They are very important people in your life, but not more important than your spouse. If you knock your spouse off the top of your priority list you are not showing total fidelity to him or her. Your mate must come first. Not only does it cement your marriage and make it stronger, it gives your children the best security blanket they will ever have.
Check yourself on these points and make sure you are being 100 percent faithful to your spouse. By doing this you will create a genuinely happy and fulfilling marriage.